How to be a god in 10 easy steps

What would it take to be a perfect, omnipotent, omniscient god?

  • First, you must exist beyond the logical and scientific realm and you must be immune to paradoxes. If you abide by the laws of logic and science, you have limitations and therefore you simply cannot exist. After all that would be paradoxical. Hopefully you’re immune to paradoxes.
  • Second, you must be impossible to comprehend. This means that whatever attributes we could possibly attach to you must exist and also not exist at the same time. If you were possible to comprehend, you would exist within the realm of logic and so you would not be perfect, nor would you even exist (see rule #1).
  • Third, you must not exist. Taking into account rule number two, if we can imagine your existence then in order to exist you must not exist.
  • Fourth, you cannot have a sex. None of this “He was pleased,” “…and He smote them…” nonsense. If you are perfect, you do not have a sex. Also, you have a sex. But it is neither male nor female. Also, it is both male and female (see rule #2).
  • Fifth, you cannot have an identity. If you are everything, everywhere, always, you cannot be pinned down with all this “I am the LORD” business. You are not you. You just are, were, and will be.
  • Sixth, you must exist outside of time. This means you cannot “create” things in any order. You are all powerful and perfect, so anything you can imagine should just pop into existence immediately.
  • Seventh, you must not imagine anything. If you imagine, then you have a mind and therefore an identity. See rule five. A perfect god would have nothing to imagine, anyway.
  • Eighth, you must not create anything. If you are perfect, you have all you need even though you don’t need anything. You cannot even want anything, otherwise you would not be perfect. You have no need to show off your powers. You know they’re there because you know everything there is to know, and that’s all that matters. You can’t even create the universe. Don’t even think about it.
  • Ninth, nothing can matter to you. To worry, care, feel, love, want, desire, enjoy, taste, dislike, hate, tire, or even to comprehend are emotions that no perfect god could have. To have emotions brings you down to an animalistic level. You also must feel all those emotions (see rule #2) but you cannot do anything about them (see rules #7 and #8).
  • Tenth, you must not abide by any of these rules. See rule #1. However, you must also abide by all these rules. See rule #2. You must also only abide by one of them, and also only by five of them, and even by any possible (or impossible) combination of them.

To sum it all up, you must exist (and not exist) outside the laws of logic and science. And that’s it.

This was absurd.

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Silly Theist Logic

Devoted Atheist Dave reader “Andrea” added a decent comment on my post from 2 April, Prayer is Futile, but then followed up with the inane I don’t believe you’re an atheist. You wouldn’t be spending this much time writing about a Person whom you claim you don’t believe in.

By this incredibly well-thought out religious logic, we can conclude that:
J. R. R. Tolkien believes Middle Earth and hobbits exist.
J. K. Rowling believes Hogwarts and the wizarding world are real.
George Lucas believes wookiees and Jar Jar Binks exist.
– Jim Davis thinks bright orange talking cats who love lasagna exist.
– Walt Disney really believed in talking mice, dogs, and ducks.

And so on, and so forth.

The point here is that a lot of people write or talk about things they don’t believe exist. This is entertainment, baby. It’s called “make believe.” You, as a theist, should know about making believe all too well. It’s all right, I had imaginary friends when I was a kid, too. I even believed in Santa. But I grew out of all of them. That’s another one, by the way: parents, especially around Christmas, seem to talk about Santa Claus an awful lot. Does that mean they believe he exists?

As far as what I would or wouldn’t be doing as an atheist, who are you to say? The only thing you know I will not be doing, based on my being atheist, is believing any gods exist. That is the only thing my atheism tells you about me.

I didn’t think I’d have to point this out, since my audience is made up primarily of atheists, nonbelievers, agnostics, and rational thinkers (surprise, I’m not actually trying to [de]convert anyone – I have a feeling it’d take more than a blog to do that). But let’s see if this helps you understand:

Sometimes when I make a post specifically talking about the Christian god and pointing out its logical inconsistencies and flaws I will assume, just for the sake of argument, that said god actually exists. That’s a literary device. It’s akin to saying, “Okay, if your god exists as your Bible describes it, then we know these things about it…” That doesn’t mean I believe it exists. For the sake of simplifying things I omit the disclaimer at the end of every post, but I’ll provide one for you now.

Disclaimer: I do not believe in a god or gods, nor have I as long as this blog has been active. If I ever come across as though I do believe in a god or gods, just remind yourself that I do not believe in a god or gods.

Religious Logic