Why am I so smug?

According to Christian religious texts (the Bible), the one unforgivable sin is to blaspheme against the Holy Spirit. In other words, to deny Jesus’s power.

Before we get any further, let me say the following right here and now: if Jesus ever even existed at all (historical texts from the alleged Jesus’s era suggest a religious leader of a similar name may have existed) and if he actually did those things Christians typically chalk up as miracles, like killing a fig tree by pouting at it or curing a man of leprosy or raising Lazarus from the dead (no historical texts from the alleged Jesus’s era support any of his so-called miracles), then I firmly believe his feats were nothing more than magic tricks which could each be explained in turn using modern science and simple logic.

In other words, if Jesus existed and did those things the Bible says he did, it’s not because he’s the son of any god or because he possesses special powers the rest of us don’t. No, Jesus was a trickster – a master illusionist. I don’t know how David Copperfield or Penn and Teller or even modern day televangelists do what they do, and what they do is certainly fascinating (except the part where gullible people are knowingly scammed out of large amounts of money), but I don’t think these people are actually capable of bending natural laws at their will or literally accomplishing the impossible.

Jesus may have mastered sleight of hand, but he wasn’t anything special.

Oh, and here’s the cherry on the top if that wasn’t enough for you. If there’s one “good guy” in the Christian Bible, it’s the guy who freed humans from their blissful ignorance and granted them the greatest gift of all: knowledge. It’s not the guy who has literally killed millions of people or had millions of people killed in his name. That’s right, friends. I just inferred that in the great contest of who’s done more good versus bad for humanity, Satan beats God.

There. It took me a while, but in the end I’m pretty sure I just committed the one unforgivable sin and thus solidified for myself a future of eternal pain and suffering. Phew.

Now that’s one (or two, I guess) simple little opinion of mine that doesn’t really come up very often in everyday conversation. It’s a personal opinion that I can’t expect many people around me to share, especially in Texas. Despite my opinion regarding Christianity’s Jesus, God, and Satan (none of whom I believe exist simply due to a lack of evidence), which I typically keep to myself outside Internet World, I like to think of myself as a somewhat decent person.

I’m pretty nice to people, even those I don’t know or don’t like (despite my being a nice guy, there are plenty of people I just don’t like). I try to avoid confrontation or conflict, not because I’m afraid of either but because I like people to be happy, sometimes even at the expense of my own happiness. I love to make people laugh. I’m a pretty charitable guy. I’ve made some mistakes in my life, but who hasn’t? Fortunately I can say I’ve learned from my mistakes and if I haven’t yet, I aim to make up for them. I enjoy reading books and I like to learn as much as I can, sometimes about random things “just because.” I’m educated, for the most part. No, I don’t have a college degree but I’ve still got plenty of time and I’m working on getting my first degree. I love my wife and she loves me. I think the most severe law I’ve ever broken is driving too fast on the highway, and now I’m very careful about driving at a reasonable speed. I don’t judge people for something they can’t control, whether it’s their gender, race, age, or sexual orientation. I abide by the golden rule: don’t do to others what you wouldn’t have done to yourself. I’m a utilitarian: the outcome which is best for the most people is the most ideal outcome. Do the most good while causing the least harm.

I do all this not because I believe I’ll be rewarded in the afterlife, or even out of fear of being punished in the afterlife, but because the evolution of society and ethos tells me the best society is a cohesive one, in which people are happy and can work together to achieve a common goal, whatever that goal may be. Sometimes the goal is just more happiness.

Despite this; despite my contributions, a Christian will tell me it’s what I generally keep to myself which matters. The Christian Bible basically says that because I’m humble enough to admit that sometimes “I don’t know” really is the most rational answer, a child rapist can repent on his deathbed and will have a greater chance at getting into Heaven (if Heaven exists at all) than I do. And part of being Christian means believing what the Bible says to be true.

And I think anybody who sincerely believes that is a horrible person, and I’m better than you.

That’s why I’m so smug.

Jesus vs. Jeezus

If it is too small and difficult to read, please click the image to view it full size (1000×1409). If it simply isn’t working, here’s the text which I hope isn’t too difficult to understand, as the cartoonist was kind enough to sort everything out in an easy-to-read table for us:

Jesus vs. Jeezus

On sexual immorality
Jesus: “If any one of you is without sin, let him cast the first stone.” (John 8:7)
Jeezus: I hate fags!

On alcohol and drugs
Jesus: “What goes into a man’s mouth does not defile him, but what comes out of his mouth, that defiles him.” (Matthew 15:11)
Jeezus: But only say ‘Nay!’ Get ye high on me!

On abortion
Jesus:
Jeezus: Bring the little fetuses unto me, for they are precious to me. On this issue shalt thou vote, and on this alone.

On war
Jesus: “All who draw the sword will die by the sword.” (Matthew 26:52)
Jeezus: Slay ye every one of them, and I shall sort them out!

On separation of church and state
Jesus: “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and render unto God what is God’s.” (Matthew 22:21)
Jeezus: I am the state!

On money
Jesus: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 19:23)
Jeezus: Make thy pledge now, at our toll-free number.

Tim Kreider The Pain — When Will it End? http://www.thepaincomics.com

An Atheist Meets God

The following video was made by Edward Current. “An Atheist Meets God”

MAN: Dum-de-dum-de-dum, I don’t believe in god. Dum-de-dum-de-dum, everything came from the Big bang. Dum-de-dum, and the Bible was written by mortal men. Dum-de-dum-de-dum, what the- uh oh! …Where am I?

GOD: Where do you think you are?

MAN: Who are you?

GOD: I am the god of the Bible, the creator of the universe. You are here to be judged before me!

MAN: Am I in Heaven?

GOD: For the moment. According to my all-knowing knowledge, you did not believe in me when you were alive. Explain why. I need to know.

MAN: Uh, because there was no evidence that you actually exist?

GOD: No evidence? Did you ever hear of something called the Holy Bible?

MAN: Well, yeah, but-

GOD: Yeah, but nothing! I wrote that book, and if you had read it you’d know that!

MAN:

GOD: Do you actually admit that you were an atheist?

MAN: Well, yeah.

GOD: As I wrote in the Bible, the only way to salvation is through my son, Jesus Christ.

MAN: But I was a good person; I volunteered at a homeless shelter for like, ten years.

GOD: It doesn’t matter! Did you or did you not worship me, the god of the Bible?

MAN: Uh, no?

GOD: Wrong answer! I created the universe! You should’ve worshipped and praised me! I’m not very happy about this!

MAN: Isn’t that a little petty of you?

GOD: SILENCE! My universe, my rules!

MAN: Okay… how about if I start worshipping and praising you now?

GOD: Too late. You failed your test in life and now you must face eternal consequences.

MAN: But I thought you were supposed to be all-merciful and all-forgiving.

GOD: Only to people who believe that I exist. Once I make someone die, er, and they see me, they can’t change their mind! Exactly how forgiving do you expect me to be?

MAN: Can you make an exception? I mean, I taught my children to be considerate and generous to others.

GOD: NO! What do you think Heaven would be like if I let in every good person?

MAN: Um…

GOD: I only want people who praised me and worshipped me, and thanked me when good things happened to them! Preferably on national television.

MAN: So why do you allow bad things to happen, even to Christians who love you?

GOD: … I don’t have time for this nonsense! Uh, I have prayers to listen to and, and toast to burn images of the Virgin Mary onto! I mean, I could be blessing America right now! You- you can pick up a copy of my frequently asked questions from my assistant Saint Peter on your way out.

MAN: Where am I going?

GOD: Where do you think you’re going? I hate to have to do this, but I am sending you to HELL, to burn in excruciating pain for eternity!

MAN: But- but why? I, ah, I wasn’t a bad person at all!

GOD: You failed to believe what I wrote about myself in my best-selling book. You might as well have been a baby raper! Your fate would have been the same!

MAN: Okay, tell you what. Let me return to earth for a day so I can tell my loved ones that you really exist and that they must worship and praise you, or else.

GOD: NO! They must learn the truth the same way everyone else does: through one of the many questionably translated and edited versions of my two thousand-year-old collection of desert scribblings, uh, and nothing more! Besides, your skull was totally crushed by that bus. Bringing you back to life would be medically impossible, even by miracle standards. There are some things I just cannot fix. Remember that Terri Schiavo chick?

MAN:

GOD: There’s profound brain damage, amputated limbs, rabies…

MAN: But, I thought you were-

GOD: SILENCE! You had your chance! Hell is what people like you get for being skeptical of me or for being born into a culture with the wrong religion and failing to find the path to Jesus Christ instead!

MAN: Can I speak to someone else, like, whoever made you?

GOD: Goodbye, non-Christian!

MAN: Noooooooooo!

GOD: Let this be a warning to the rest of you. Worship and praise me, the god of the Bible, or else!