“You’re a wizard, Harry!” and other unforgettable moments from the Bible.

You're a Wizard Harry
1. “You’re a wizard, Harry!”
Who can forget that moment in the book of Mark when Hagrid revealed to the 11-year-old Harry that he’s a wizard? This was, I believe, a critical turning point in young Harry Potter’s life.

White Rabbit
2. “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!”
In the early chapters of Exodus, Alice follows a white rabbit down a hole, thus starting her amazing adventure in Wonderland. It was that precise moment when the rabbit pulled out a pocket watch and exclaimed he was running late that truly piqued Alice’s interest and began her adventure.

Luke I Am Your Father
3. “Luke, I am your father!”
Though the evil Lord Vader was introduced as early as Genesis, it wasn’t until the book of 2 Kings that he was revealed to be young Luke Skywalker’s father. This was a shocking revelation even for those who had been following the story from its beginning.

Moby Dick
4. “Call me Ishmael.”
These were the first words uttered in the Bible, and still resonate with all of us to this day.

Nick Carraway
5. “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
The final words of the Bible, this quote reminds us that as we paddle furiously toward the future, the current always drags us back into our past. This is infinitely deeper when you consider that current also means present, and that present also means gift, and you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, and I think this is exactly what Nick Carraway meant about Jay Gatsby, though he recognizes its inevitability with all of us.

Motherfucking Snakes
6. “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”
Oh Samuel L. Jackson. You won our hearts in Ezekiel 25:17 but it wasn’t until you uttered this phrase in the book of Malachi that we truly understood how you felt about all those snakes on that plane.

Donkey
7. “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”
Speaking of Ezekiel, this gem is found at the 23:20 mark where we learn of Oholibah, the younger of two sisters, both engaging in prostitution from an early age. Oholibah enjoyed men with huge penises and who ejaculated a large amount of semen.

Scientific Progress Goes Boink
8. “Scientific progress goes ‘boink’?”
Ha ha! Remember when in Proverbs, Calvin invented a duplicating machine? So do I! And this line Hobbes utters when he activates the machine was an instant classic!

Beatles on Ed Sullivan
9. “Ladies and gentlemen, The Beatles!”
Probably the most memorable moment in the Bible was in the book of John when the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show. This was a turning point not just in the history of rock n’ roll, but in American history as well.

Silly Theist Logic

Devoted Atheist Dave reader “Andrea” added a decent comment on my post from 2 April, Prayer is Futile, but then followed up with the inane I don’t believe you’re an atheist. You wouldn’t be spending this much time writing about a Person whom you claim you don’t believe in.

By this incredibly well-thought out religious logic, we can conclude that:
J. R. R. Tolkien believes Middle Earth and hobbits exist.
J. K. Rowling believes Hogwarts and the wizarding world are real.
George Lucas believes wookiees and Jar Jar Binks exist.
– Jim Davis thinks bright orange talking cats who love lasagna exist.
– Walt Disney really believed in talking mice, dogs, and ducks.

And so on, and so forth.

The point here is that a lot of people write or talk about things they don’t believe exist. This is entertainment, baby. It’s called “make believe.” You, as a theist, should know about making believe all too well. It’s all right, I had imaginary friends when I was a kid, too. I even believed in Santa. But I grew out of all of them. That’s another one, by the way: parents, especially around Christmas, seem to talk about Santa Claus an awful lot. Does that mean they believe he exists?

As far as what I would or wouldn’t be doing as an atheist, who are you to say? The only thing you know I will not be doing, based on my being atheist, is believing any gods exist. That is the only thing my atheism tells you about me.

I didn’t think I’d have to point this out, since my audience is made up primarily of atheists, nonbelievers, agnostics, and rational thinkers (surprise, I’m not actually trying to [de]convert anyone – I have a feeling it’d take more than a blog to do that). But let’s see if this helps you understand:

Sometimes when I make a post specifically talking about the Christian god and pointing out its logical inconsistencies and flaws I will assume, just for the sake of argument, that said god actually exists. That’s a literary device. It’s akin to saying, “Okay, if your god exists as your Bible describes it, then we know these things about it…” That doesn’t mean I believe it exists. For the sake of simplifying things I omit the disclaimer at the end of every post, but I’ll provide one for you now.

Disclaimer: I do not believe in a god or gods, nor have I as long as this blog has been active. If I ever come across as though I do believe in a god or gods, just remind yourself that I do not believe in a god or gods.