Jesus vs. Jeezus

If it is too small and difficult to read, please click the image to view it full size (1000×1409). If it simply isn’t working, here’s the text which I hope isn’t too difficult to understand, as the cartoonist was kind enough to sort everything out in an easy-to-read table for us:

Jesus vs. Jeezus

On sexual immorality
Jesus: “If any one of you is without sin, let him cast the first stone.” (John 8:7)
Jeezus: I hate fags!

On alcohol and drugs
Jesus: “What goes into a man’s mouth does not defile him, but what comes out of his mouth, that defiles him.” (Matthew 15:11)
Jeezus: But only say ‘Nay!’ Get ye high on me!

On abortion
Jeezus: Bring the little fetuses unto me, for they are precious to me. On this issue shalt thou vote, and on this alone.

On war
Jesus: “All who draw the sword will die by the sword.” (Matthew 26:52)
Jeezus: Slay ye every one of them, and I shall sort them out!

On separation of church and state
Jesus: “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and render unto God what is God’s.” (Matthew 22:21)
Jeezus: I am the state!

On money
Jesus: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 19:23)
Jeezus: Make thy pledge now, at our toll-free number.

Tim Kreider The Pain — When Will it End?

Easter Quiz

The following is a quiz created by Tim Covell of Born Atheist. I found it amusing and appropriate for Easter, being that I haven’t the time to write out anything original. I will, after all, be spending the holy-day with my family, away from the computer and this blog.

The Jesus coming-back-from-the-dead story is Christianity’s most important myth. You might think they would have their story straight, especially since they had years to rehearse it before writing the Bible. But if you think so, you are wrong. Take this multiple choice quiz about the Jesus rising story:

1. What time of day was an empty tomb found?
A.     While it was still dark (John 20:1)
B.     Very early in the morning (Luke 24:1)
C.     At dawn (Matthew 28:1)
D.     After sunrise (Mark 16:2)
E.     All of the above

2. Who first went to Jesus’ tomb?
A.     Mary Magdalene (John 20:1)
B.     Mary Magdalene and the other Mary (Matthew 28:1)
C.     Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Salome (Mark 16:1)
D.     Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, Joanna and the others with them (Luke 24:10)
E.     All of the above

3. Did the woman or women meet anyone at the tomb?
A.     Yes, a young man dressed in white was already sitting in the tomb (Mark 16:5)
B.     Yes, two men in clothes that gleamed like lightening were not there initially but quickly appeared (Luke 24:4)
C.     Yes, an angel who rolled away a stone from the tomb entrance and some guards who were standing there (Matthew 28:2-4)
D.     Not at first, but later that day two angels appeared inside the tomb and talked to Mary Magdalene (John 20:12)
E.     All of the above

4. To whom did Jesus speak first?
A.     Two disciples (Luke 24:13)
B.     Mary Magdalene and the other Mary (Matthew 28:9)
C.     To Mary Magdalene alone (Mark 16:9)
D.   In the presence of two angels, to Mary Magdalene, who first thought Jesus was a gardener (John 20:14-15)
E.     All of the above

5. How long did Jesus hang around before heading up to heaven?
A.     Only one day (Mark 16:19, Luke 24:51)
B.     An unspecified period of time, but at least long enough for his disciples to get to Galilee (probably several days walk)(Matthew 28:16)
C.     More than a week (John 20:26, 21:1-25)
D.     Forty days (Acts 1:3)
E.     All of the above

My guess is that you answered “all of the above” to each. That means either you are a cynic, a Bible scholar, or you figured the citations next to each answer means that I read the Bible passages and reported the answers accurately. The correct answer is “all of the above.”

It is difficult to believe that almost one-third of Americans think the Bible is the inerrant word of god when the story tellers cannot even keep their most important story straight. If the “testimony” of the Bible were presented in court, the case would be dismissed for lack of reliable evidence. Religion requires faith because it lacks facts. The great mystery is why so many people let these poorly constructed ancient myths dictate their modern behavior.

“But those are Old Testament laws!”

I will often challenge my Christian peers with some of the following laws put forth in the Bible:

  • If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head. (Leviticus 20:9)
  • If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
  • If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
  • If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property. (Exodus 21:20-21)
  • Keep my decrees. Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (Leviticus 19:19)
  • When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. (Leviticus 15:19)
  • For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death. (Exodus 35:2)

…and so on, and so forth. I then ask of them which of these laws have they broken? Why is it okay that they have not yet been put to death for their violation of Biblical laws? Why do these things apparently no longer matter to their god?

Every answer is exactly the same: those are Jewish laws of the Old Testament. Those laws were put forth by Moses. And then something about Jesus dying and those Old Testament laws not being of relevance any longer.

A couple things come to my mind at that point. First, the law forbidding homosexuality is a so-called Old Testament law (Leviticus 20:13 which, for the record, not only says homosexuality is an abomonation, but that anybody committing such a treacherous act should be put to death immediately) which Christians just love to quote when attempting to pry their religious beliefs into politics. That and, y’know, the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17 and Deuteronomy 5:6-21). That old thing which the “New Testament Christians” place as the foundations of their morality. As a sidenote, Jesus later references the “commandments” (Matthew 19:17-19), but only six of them. He omits the first three, which are all about loving God, and then sort of combines the last two so as to say simply to treat your neighbor as yourself. The “golden rule,” so to speak. The important thing here, though, is that even Jesus himself was saying to follow those Old Testament laws.

So are the Old Testament laws still relevant? You say no, but Jesus says yes.

The second thing that comes to mind is Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” God does not change his mind. Whether they’re laws put forth in the Old Testament or the New, he does not change his mind. Did you work last Sunday? Time to die.

Oh. Also, there’s this, which can be found in the New Testament.

Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. (I Peter 2:18)