Washington, “District of Christ.”

I don’t have any comments yet. Perhaps I’ll edit some in after a while. In the meantime, here’s a video of a crazy Christian who thinks America is (or should be) a theocracy.

For the record the man in this video, John Benefiel, is the same man who believes homosexuality is all part of a scheme by the Illuminati to limit the population.

Y’ever wondered why we induct- why we elect good people to Congress sometimes, and sometimes they go there and they go nuts?

Well, you might too, if all the nation confessed that you were under the District of the queen of Heaven called Columbia. Do you understand how serious that is? When we call it the District of Columbia we’re saying it belongs to Columbia, the Queen of Heaven, and that gives her a legal right to mess things up in our nation’s capitol.

Well, in March of 2010- well, in December of 2009 we gathered one leader from all fifty states to divorce Baal and as we were there we renamed the District of Columbia to the District of Christ. Hallelujah.

Harumph, harumph.

And somebody asked me after we did this, they said, “Well how can you do that anyway?” Well, we just did it! Whaddaya mean how can you do it? You do it! “Well, what authority do you have?” I tell ya I have more authority than the U.S. Congress does.

See, I guarantee ya that that will not forever be called the District of Columbia. It will be changed… by somebody- it’ll be changed by the Lord when he comes back or our Congress, but the body of Christ has to do the changing first! We’re the real spiritual authority, then the natural authority will begin to change!

[ominous music]

Tomorrow’s the big day

One day ’til rapture.

So apparently I’ve got approximately thirty-three hours to get all my affairs in order before all hell breaks loose on earth. Tomorrow at 6:00p.m. one of three things will happen:

  1. Nothing will happen. Nothing rapture-related, at least. Surely something, somewhere will happen tomorrow at approximately six o’clock in the evening. But in this instance, it won’t have anything to do with god or religion. Not in a rapture sort of way.
  2. Rapture happens and my wife and I have to try and survive after having been left behind. We will most likely band together with our closest friends and come up with a plan.
  3. Rapture happens and my wife has to cope without me because I’ve just ascended into Heaven. What? Why would that happen? I’m a baptized Catholic, whereas my wife has been nonreligious her entire life. Some people live under the philosophy of “Once ‘saved’, always saved.” That means I’d be taken away with Jesus whether I like it or not.

I’ll reiterate again that we should know what’s going to happen some time today because Christmas Island (among other places near Indonesia in the same time zone) will be seeing 6:00p.m. May 21st in approximately 13.5 hours. I’m sure CNN will cover it if people just start disappearing in a huge, not-so-quick-by-god’s-standards-or-power, wave across the globe.

This “wave of rapture” will be accompanied by massive, global earthquakes. When they make it to America tomorrow evening, things get a little confusing. Most of the state of Arizona, for example, does not abide by the Daylight Saving rules, whereas some parts of the state do. Some parts of the state that do not use Daylight Saving are inside and completely surrounded by the part that does not (research Navajo Nation to see what I’m talking about). Massive earthquakes will allegedly hit in the Daylight Saving portions of the state one hour before they hit the rest of the state, according to Harold Camping. You’d think that the Christian god, with all his power, could just shake the whole planet at once.

All of that isn’t what I meant for this post to be about, but I figure I might as well load it up since it might be my last. As I alluded to at the end of my last post, here are some ways you can prepare for the rapture, as well as some ideas for passing the time (or surviving) once rapture has happened and you’ve been left behind:

  1. Get out of and away from large structures such as skyscrapers and other tall buildings. Rapture (and the massive earthquakes that come with it) is supposed to occur at precisely 6:00p, local time. This means that depending on where you live you should have several hours’ preparation time once you’ve determined this is really happening. Don’t be one of the rapture’s first victims by succumbing to the earthquake!
  2. Stay off the road! At precisely 6:00p local time, according to Harold Camping 200 million Christians will suddenly disappear. This will include Christians who are driving in their cars at the time. This means a whole lot of running vehicles suddenly becoming driver-less, and a whole lot of traffic accidents.
  3. DON’T FLY. You think you’ve got a chance against a driver-less car? How about a pilot-less airplane? If you’ve got a flight that’ll have you in the air at the time of rapture, you may want to skip it.
  4. On a related note, reschedule that root canal you were going to get at 6:00p on Saturday. Don’t want your dentist disappearing mid-drill, do you? Credit to AD’s Ed for these last two.
  5. Don’t assume anything. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, if at six o’clock nobody around you suddenly disappears do not say to them “Oh, I see you also don’t believe in Jesus.” This might cause a fight, especially if that person is bitter for having not been raptured despite believing in Jesus.
  6. Seek weaponry. The chaos ensuing from the realization that rapture just happened will occur almost immediately. You will need to protect yourself. If you do not have access to firearms, cutlery and bludgeons are good alternatives.
  7. Find a better place to live. Unless you live in a gated mansion, you’re gonna need to start seeking shelter. The world just became a far more dangerous place. The upside? Lots of new, free real estate just opened up. The downside? Everyone’s gonna want some. My friend Rachel recommends settling down in a church. It’s not like anyone needs those things anymore.
  8. Write a bucket list (thanks @dema33alya). You’ve got a maximum of five months left to live, so it’s time to do all those things you’ve promised yourself you’d do before you die. And being that the world will be in complete chaos, you could die any day now so you’d better get started. Never been to Disney World? Now’s the time to go – I hear the lines this time of the end of the world are super short!
  9. Kiss your moral boundaries goodbye. Look, it’s tough for me to say this, but if all this turns out to be true and the Christian god exists then he just slapped you hard in the face with a “I know you’ve been good and all, but you just couldn’t find it in yourself to believe in me and really, that’s all I care about. Check this shit out – I just raptured every member of Westboro Baptist Church just because they believe in Jesus.” Once all hell breaks loose, all bets are off. You will have to loot some places and cheat some people just to survive. You’re damned anyway, right? (blame AD writer meiochi for this one)
  10. Read the Left Behind book series. Why not? You just got left behind; maybe you could use some pointers (thanks Holly). You could even make a game out of it. Spot the differences!

Hopefully you are now well-prepared (and well-warned) for the rapture. Remember, rapture will occur at 6:00p local time, wherever you are. I would live-blog during the rapture but frankly, I don’t expect anything noteworthy to happen.

Here is a list of all my “countdown” posts, for easy access:

Three days away

Three days ’til rapture.

I like to think of this whole thing as kind of win-win for atheists. On the one hand, if rapture happens it’ll just be us left over on earth. Government will be free from religion, there won’t be any holy wars, and all in all things should be pretty peaceful. On the other hand, if nothing happens, it’s a nice little slap in the face to those who are “absolutely sure” it’ll happen.

I’m absolutely aware that not all Christians think May 21st is the day of rapture. I realize it’s just a small sect of the particularly crazy ones who believe what that nut Harold Camping says. I also realize they’ll continue to be crazy once May 21st comes and goes with no incident and Camping will just claim he forgot to carry a two in his mathematical formula for predicting the end of the world. But the rest of us (not-quite-as-crazy Christians included) will get a good chuckle out of it. I’ll feel nothing but pity for those who have taken Camping’s advice and spent/given away every last bit of their money in anticipation of being raptured.