How to be a god in 10 easy steps

What would it take to be a perfect, omnipotent, omniscient god?

  • First, you must exist beyond the logical and scientific realm and you must be immune to paradoxes. If you abide by the laws of logic and science, you have limitations and therefore you simply cannot exist. After all that would be paradoxical. Hopefully you’re immune to paradoxes.
  • Second, you must be impossible to comprehend. This means that whatever attributes we could possibly attach to you must exist and also not exist at the same time. If you were possible to comprehend, you would exist within the realm of logic and so you would not be perfect, nor would you even exist (see rule #1).
  • Third, you must not exist. Taking into account rule number two, if we can imagine your existence then in order to exist you must not exist.
  • Fourth, you cannot have a sex. None of this “He was pleased,” “…and He smote them…” nonsense. If you are perfect, you do not have a sex. Also, you have a sex. But it is neither male nor female. Also, it is both male and female (see rule #2).
  • Fifth, you cannot have an identity. If you are everything, everywhere, always, you cannot be pinned down with all this “I am the LORD” business. You are not you. You just are, were, and will be.
  • Sixth, you must exist outside of time. This means you cannot “create” things in any order. You are all powerful and perfect, so anything you can imagine should just pop into existence immediately.
  • Seventh, you must not imagine anything. If you imagine, then you have a mind and therefore an identity. See rule five. A perfect god would have nothing to imagine, anyway.
  • Eighth, you must not create anything. If you are perfect, you have all you need even though you don’t need anything. You cannot even want anything, otherwise you would not be perfect. You have no need to show off your powers. You know they’re there because you know everything there is to know, and that’s all that matters. You can’t even create the universe. Don’t even think about it.
  • Ninth, nothing can matter to you. To worry, care, feel, love, want, desire, enjoy, taste, dislike, hate, tire, or even to comprehend are emotions that no perfect god could have. To have emotions brings you down to an animalistic level. You also must feel all those emotions (see rule #2) but you cannot do anything about them (see rules #7 and #8).
  • Tenth, you must not abide by any of these rules. See rule #1. However, you must also abide by all these rules. See rule #2. You must also only abide by one of them, and also only by five of them, and even by any possible (or impossible) combination of them.

To sum it all up, you must exist (and not exist) outside the laws of logic and science. And that’s it.

This was absurd.

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8 thoughts on “How to be a god in 10 easy steps

  1. What you’ve done here is to implicitly give particular definitions to “perfect,” “omnipotent,” and “omniscient,” (which, by the way, differ from the standard definitions used in the Judeo-Christian tradition), then argued that a god with those qualities, as defined by you, cannot exist.

    I’m not sure if that’s absurd. But is was certainly a waste of your time.

    • Being that this post drove a significant amount of traffic to the site, I would argue that it was well worth my time.

      update: As a matter of fact, after checking my site’s statistics I see that this post, after about 37 hours, has risen to be the fifth most popular blog entry of mine to date.

    • Is that not what Christian people do when faced with the argument; implicitly give particular definitions to whatever helps their case. The thing is when we do it it’s a lot healthier and it ultimately contributes to humanity in a much better way. I will not be responding after this because thats healthy toooooo.

  2. Here’s another way (omnipotence is not needed)

    get a skilled programmer and a mechanical engineer to build a electronic suit or machine that will literally change you and the world. You’re ready to take over.

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