Tag Archives: moses

Miracles?

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Yeah, yeah, Brandon made a post with this same title a while back. But mine has a question mark. So it’s different, see? See? Anyway, the subject matter is slightly different and it’s been, like, almost two months. Now that we’ve settled that this is an entirely different post from Brandon’s, we can continue.

What is a miracle?
A miracle is any event that betrays the laws of nature. It is not simply something science has no answer for, but something science and scientific laws explicitly state could not happen. It is a phenomenon which, without “divine guidance,” would otherwise be impossible. A meteor hurtling toward earth and then stopping, abruptly, about a mile before impact is an example of something that betrays the laws of nature and science and could legitimately be called a miracle.

Some people think a miracle is “anything that happens at just the right time when it is not expected.” This is okay, if you’d like to consider every single coincidence or stroke of good fortune a miracle. By that definition, you would say that winning the lottery is a miracle, but it would be one hell of a stretch to call it an act of god, let alone proof for god’s existence.

There are no miracles, ever.
Now that we’ve got that explanation out of the way, I can make my assertion: that there has never in history been such a phenomenon which, by the above definition, would be considered a miracle.

For the record, I should point out again that as an atheist I am prone to disregard the Bible as a factual account of historic events, so using any examples from the Bible would be completely futile. To argue while citing the Bible as proof is to assume the Bible is one hundred percent factual and accurate. That just doesn’t fly with an atheist. To quote Damon Wayons in one of his greatest characters ever, Homey don’t play dat.

Word of mouth also doesn’t count as a legitimate source. If that were the case, I could tell you that I fell from the top of a skyscraper the other day and landed head-first in a garbage bin full of nothing but broken glass and fire ants, yet suffered no injuries whatsoever. And you’d have to believe me. Because you believe personal accounts of miracles.

All that said, you are welcome to provide me with examples of any miracles for which there is not only documentation (from a reputable source) but, ideally, photo and/or video evidence.

Biblical miracles
Even the so-called miracles in the Bible can be more or less explained away by science. It is entirely possible that “back in the day,” natural events happened. God-fearing people did what they did best and feared god. They embellished the natural events in their tales and as they were passed down more and more through the generations, by the time they were written down they had been so embellished they could now be mistaken for miracles.

Look, I realize the Bible is an actual book. It was written by people who believed in the business they were writing down. That doesn’t make it any more accurate, however. While some of the primary parts of the Bible (Jesus, as an example) are clearly sampled from previous religions, I’m sure some parts are simply huge exaggerations of actual events. Fascinating stories require fascinating embellishments in order to be fascinating.

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Bible sans Bible (Revelation 12-13)

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The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed in Sun

Image via Wikipedia

Bit by bit, I’d like to attempt to retell some fantastic Bible stories, but without all the parts about God and Jesus. Other revealing “religiousy” names and places (such as Satan, Moses, and Heaven) will also be removed, or replaced if necessary. I thought I’d start with the fun and fabulous story of the dragon (whose actual name has been omitted) and the beast from the sea, found in the book of Revelation. I’ll let you come up with your own commentary. I’ll just say this: the Bible is a ridiculous piece of literature on which to base your views of morality and reality. The stories contained within are simply too absurd to be taken seriously. If you need fantastic stories to teach you morality, I would recommend Aesop’s Fables.

A great and wondrous sign appeared: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. Then another sign appeared: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And the child was snatched up [to the sky]. The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

And there was war in [the sky]. Michael fought against the dragon, and the dragon fought back. But he was not strong enough, and [he] lost [his] place in [the sky]. The great dragon was hurled down – that ancient serpent who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth.

When the dragon saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child. The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle, so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the desert, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent’s reach. Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring.

And the dragon stood on the shore of the sea.

And I saw a beast coming out of the sea. He had ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns on his horns, and on each head a [bad word]. The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a lion. This dragon gave the beast his power and his throne and great authority. One of the heads of the beast seemed to have had a fatal wound, but the fatal wound had been healed. The whole world was astonished and followed the beast. Men worshiped the dragon because he had given authority to the beast, and they also worshiped the beast and asked, “Who is like the beast? Who can make war against him?”

The beast was given a mouth to utter [bad words] and to exercise his authority for forty-two months. And he was given authority over every tribe, people, language and nation. All inhabitants of the earth will worship the beast.

He who has an ear, let him hear. If anyone is to go into captivity, into captivity he will go. If anyone is to be killed with the sword, with the sword he will be killed.

Then I saw another beast, coming out of the earth. He had two horns like a lamb, but he spoke like a dragon. He exercised all the authority of the first beast on his behalf, and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast, whose fatal wound had been healed. And he performed great and miraculous signs, even causing fire to come down from [the sky] in full view of men. Because of the signs he was given power to do on behalf of the first beast, he deceived the inhabitants of the earth. He ordered them to set up an image in honor of the beast who was wounded by the sword and yet lived. He was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that it could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed. He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name.

This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666.

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The Bible in my own words (Numbers 31:1-54)

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Image courtesy of The Brick Testament

God told Moses to go to battle with the Midianites to avenge the Israelites.

So Moses told his people to get ready to bring about God’s vengeance. “Twelve thousand men should do it,” he said. So twelve thousand men from all the tribes of Israel armed themselves and went into battle, along with a priest named Eleazar, who also brought some things.

In what could be counted as one of the most one-sided battles in all of history – even moreso than the battle of the Alamo – the Israelites killed every single Midianite man, including all five of their kings. Then they captured all the women and children and took all the Midianites’ livestock and goods. They then burned down every one of the Midianite towns before heading home where they presented Moses and Eleazar with all the stuff they took.

Moses was pissed, though.

He couldn’t believe the Israelite commanders had been graceful enough to allow all the women and children to survive the battle. “Kill them,” Moses said. “Kill them for God.” Because it was the women’s fault in the first place that all this had to go down. “But keep the virgins,” Moses said with a wink. So all of the women who had had sex were slaughtered, and so were all of the young boys.

“Also, if you killed anybody during that battle,” Moses continued, “you have to sleep outside for a week.” This included pretty much everybody, so one can conclude Moses really just wanted some alone time with Eleazar. “Take all your swag with you, including your captives. Bathe on the third and seventh days and clean all your junk. Especially the stuff made of leather, goat hair, and wood. Especially that stuff.”

“While you’re out there,” Eleazar told them, “take every single thing which can withstand fire and pass it through a fire, in order to sterilize it. Then rinse it off with water. If anything can’t withstand fire, it still has to be rinsed with water.” The soldiers would then wash their clothes on the seventh day and THEN they would finally be clean enough to come near Moses.

But God wasn’t done yet. Moses and Eleazar and the soldiers, they got to go into battle and have tons of fun. God wanted in on that, so he demanded Moses divide all the soldiers’ plunder so he could have some for himself. “Cut everything in half,” God said. “Half goes to the soldiers and the other half goes to the rest of the Israelites.” Moses nodded. “But wait,” God said, “There’s more. Out of the soldiers’ half, I want one out of every five hundred things. Out of the Israelites’ half, take one out of every fifty things and give it to the Levites since they’re still hanging on to my stuff for me.”

Moses counted everything up, did some math, and got to work.

The soldiers’ half amounted to 337,500 sheep, 36,000 cattle, 30,500 donkeys, and 16,000 virgin girls.

This meant that Eleazar had 675 sheep, 72 cattle, 61 donkeys, and 32 virgin girls taken aside and sacrificed to keep God happy.

The Israelites’ half was, well, equal to the soldiers’ half. But one out of every fifty sheep, cattle, donkeys and virgin girls were sent to the Levites who, again, were hanging onto God’s stuff.

After everything was meted out, the army commanders went to Moses and said “Hey, we just crunched some numbers, had a roll call, and it turns out not a single one of us died during that battle.”

“Holy shit!” Moses exclaimed, “This is cause for a party!”

So the commanders took every last bit of gold they’d looted from the Midianites and gave it to Moses and Eleazar. They showed the swag to God, who pulled out a set of scales and weighed all the gold. “16,750 shekels!” God announced. And much partying was done.

“But those are Old Testament laws!”

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I will often challenge my Christian peers with some of the following laws put forth in the Bible:

  • If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head. (Leviticus 20:9)
  • If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
  • If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
  • If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property. (Exodus 21:20-21)
  • Keep my decrees. Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (Leviticus 19:19)
  • When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. (Leviticus 15:19)
  • For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death. (Exodus 35:2)

…and so on, and so forth. I then ask of them which of these laws have they broken? Why is it okay that they have not yet been put to death for their violation of Biblical laws? Why do these things apparently no longer matter to their god?

Every answer is exactly the same: those are Jewish laws of the Old Testament. Those laws were put forth by Moses. And then something about Jesus dying and those Old Testament laws not being of relevance any longer.

A couple things come to my mind at that point. First, the law forbidding homosexuality is a so-called Old Testament law (Leviticus 20:13 which, for the record, not only says homosexuality is an abomonation, but that anybody committing such a treacherous act should be put to death immediately) which Christians just love to quote when attempting to pry their religious beliefs into politics. That and, y’know, the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17 and Deuteronomy 5:6-21). That old thing which the “New Testament Christians” place as the foundations of their morality. As a sidenote, Jesus later references the “commandments” (Matthew 19:17-19), but only six of them. He omits the first three, which are all about loving God, and then sort of combines the last two so as to say simply to treat your neighbor as yourself. The “golden rule,” so to speak. The important thing here, though, is that even Jesus himself was saying to follow those Old Testament laws.

So are the Old Testament laws still relevant? You say no, but Jesus says yes.

The second thing that comes to mind is Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” God does not change his mind. Whether they’re laws put forth in the Old Testament or the New, he does not change his mind. Did you work last Sunday? Time to die.

Oh. Also, there’s this, which can be found in the New Testament.

Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. (I Peter 2:18)

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